No. This is not my India.

I am an average Indian man. I am the same as everyone else. I do nothing, admitted. I sit on my chair all day wondering what's going wrong with everything and everyone around me, agreed. I slouch, read stuff on the internet, watch videos of little girls molested publicly in large cities in India, outrage and then forget about it. I know.

I am a culprit, I say to myself, of a corrupt, immoral and heartless system.

But I am, in fact, the criminal. I am the one who is corrupt. Because I bribe myself into believing that mine is a good, safe and secure nation. I am the one who is immoral. Because I commit the morally reprehensible act of staying silent even when I should not. I am the one who is heartless, because I see something happening as horrendous, yet I do not think the same can happen to my own wife or mother or sister.

I am ashamed today to think that I am of the same nation as those people in Guwahati. The Preamble to the Constitution of India says "We, the people of India,.... assuring the dignity of the individual...hereby adopt, enact and give to ourselves this Constitution."

But no, we are not people. We are worse than animals. We do not assure the dignity of an individual, but ensure that we shall find every opportunity to downgrade it. We do not adopt or enact any words of this Constitution, but make it our Constitutional Right to ensure that women always think twice before stepping outside their doors.

Aamir Khan in Satyameva Jayate talked about female infanticide and foeticide some time back. Some of those girls who were killed may be sitting up There, glad that they weren't born after all in a land as insane, degraded and horrid as India. They are probably glad that they weren't born in a land where we teach our daughters to "not get raped", but do not teach our sons to "not rape".

This is not where I want to be. This is not the country I was taught to epitomize and idolize when I was a child. This is not the land where "the mud smells like heaven". It doesn't.

Right now, it smells of shit.

No. This is not my India.

- Vinaykrishnan.

You

Your presence is a present for me,

I've got an Angel in You,

Though You don't wear any wings,
You still float like a butterfly,


You're as tempestuous as the sea,
Yet as calm as the feeling I get on hearing your heart beat.


Only you make me want to go on.


Only You.


- Vinaykrishnan,

This is how it feels

So this is how it feels to have You sleep on my chest for hours as I look at You.
The strands of hair
That I wrap around my finger.
Where does Your tenderness come from?

This is how it feels to have You breathe on my face and to enjoy Your warmth.
The slow flutter of the eyelashes
As you mutter nothings in your sleep.
Where does Your innocence come from?

So this is how it feels to have the weight of Your head on my shoulders.
The look Your eyes give
When You glance at me.
Where does Your loving come from?

-Vinaykrishnan.

This Wait

The knowing that comes
Famished and sun-burnt,
Like charcoal embers,
How it deprives and drives.
To know that I am with You,
And yet to have to spend moments unnecessarily away from You.
I'd like to think
Maybe it's not unnecessary.

But like the moves in chess, all cumulative, all combining, all that suspense coming together,
To that grand checkmate at the end,
Maybe
Even this wait
Is Necessary.

- Vinaykrishnan.

The Farewell

Last day in Chandigarh. Seems weird to go. A sense of missing out. A sense of nostalgia, interspersed with sadness and longing. This city has become a part of me now. I am more Punjabi than Gujarati or Malayali now. My tastes in food, drink, music and life have changed over this wondrous journey of 4 years. 


But I am happy too. Excited to go and start a new phase of my life with Nishtha, my wife. I'm glad I can finally start living with her. It's been long overdue and I'm glad things worked out for me. I can't wait to start living with Nishtha. 


I have made a lot of friends here over this period of time in my life. Some have moved on to newer and bigger things, some have remained where they are. I'm going to miss all these people I have met, and the things I have learnt from them - not only about work, but even about life. 


I fell in love while I have been here. It's singularly the most important thing that has happened in my life - loving someone so amazing as Nishtha. And I attribute it a lot to my being in Chandigarh, and the city shaping me the way I am. 


I now know how it feels to be in a torrent of a mixture of emotions. I'm sad, yet so very happy. I'm nostalgic, yet I also look forward to the future with great eagerness and anticipation and excitement. 


I hope Ahmedabad teaches me new things in life. I hope that Nishtha and I find living with each other even more fun that we have anticipated already. I'm keeping my heart open to dreams. I hope that my life is better there than here. I hope that Nishtha and I live a happy life. I hope that Chandigarh lets me go happily and yet hope that there is some part of this city that will miss me. I hope some part of this city someday stretches out and calls me back here again, even if for a day. 


I fare thee well, Chandigarh. I hope you always stay the same - a city of dreams, a city of beauty, and a city of hope.


- Vinaykrishnan.

A Replay

I wish there were some way I could relive my life,

Correct all the mistakes, 

Take back all the harsh words, 

Remove abuses,

Delete the preconceived notions and ideas that I fostered,

Say Yes to the right people, 

Say No to the wrong ones, 

Say Maybe when I was confident,

Speak confidently when I have been scared,

And do all these things in life,

Have second chances,

And still be exactly where I am today.

Exactly where I am today. 

- Vinaykrishnan.

(I Love You, Nishtha. Thank you for everything.)

Miracles

There is something about a child's smile that makes me think, Miracles do exist. It's plain obvious. That twinkle in its eyes, the smile that starts from the child's lips, and ends in our hearts. Amazing.

I wonder how many miracles I see everyday, but fail to take notice only because they seem mundane at the first glance.

The twinkling of the stars. The colors of the world. The sights through a colored bottle. The print on a newspaper. The chill that I get when I open the refrigerator door. Counting down to zero the seconds left at a traffic light. The sound of her voice on the phone. The chinks of sunlight that are filtered by the clouds. The smell of damp earth. Subtitles in a foreign language movie. Waves continuously lapping the shore. The background in a photograph. The way water droplets form on the outside of a bottle containing cold water. The plaster that breaks and cracks when the ceiling becomes wet due to a water leakage. The way the letters curl and join together in cursive script. The way hermit crabs learn all on their own that they need to get inside a shell.

I don't think too many would agree with me on the things above being miracles. But I think they are. And that's what matters to me.

- Vinaykrishnan.

Hurting

I try to make myself numb from the pain
Of being away from You,
But it does get worse when I do feel it,
It stings the most when I miss Your embrace,
And just as I begin to hate this pain and sadness that I have inside of me,
I realize
That this is what makes me human.

This is what reminds me again of my love
For You.

- Vinaykrishnan.

You

I can see where I go now,
Your light shows me the way,
It is easier now for me to go places,
As You hold my hand
And lead me to sights - wondrous and spell-binding.

You still always manage to leave me speechless, while I am left capable of only thinking
About things I want to say to You.

That's when that amazement
Becomes this poetry.

- Vinaykrishnan.

To Be Here

To ask what I am doing here
When I should be somewhere else
Is not something I would like to answer any more.
It hurts.
It hurts to think more about something that is already on my mind all the time in any case.
Like a cyclical overlap.

But somewhere You teach me to wait,
And gain the fruits of patience,
Meritoriously.

Maybe, my being here,
Alone,
Doing this,
Right now,
Will lead to my being there,
With You,
Doing that.

- Vinaykrishnan.

The Sea And The Sun

The sun shines and throws warmth on my face,

It feels like you’ve held my hand,

The long trail of glimmering water that leads from the oars to the horizon,

Golden. Orange. Flickering, but ever-present.

No matter where I go, the path to the sun follows,

Beckons me at moments, stays aloof at others;

Waves jump at me at times, spraying me all over,

They die under the boat at times.

Reminds me of you, really.

The way you never let me go, the way you’re always there for me.

The way you need me at times, and stay distant at some moments.

The way you pour out the torrents of your emotions at me at times,

And stay silent at other moments.

I think it’s most primal of all traits of woman and man,

To be like the sea and the sun…

Ever changing, but ever together.

- Vinaykrishnan.

Trails of Hope

Trails of rocks that continue the island’s existence,

Like the dots at the end of an incomplete sentence…

Giving hope of a new sentence,

Of a new life,

Hope that someday the tectonic plates may tilt and that the earth may shift,

And give birth to something more magnificent.

- Vinaykrishnan.

Those Nights

Those nights...
When sleep is
That beautifully alluring prostitute
Who, while swaying her hips and buttocks,
Bows low to show me her full bosom,
But does not let me in,
As she does not like the smell or color of my money.
Those nights...
Are the worst of them all.

- Vinaykrishnan.

A week to go

People change. Their needs, wants, desires, all change.

I remember how, when I was younger, I wanted to be single all my life. I know everyone feels it at some point of time. I felt it till quite recently, just about over a year back, when I absolutely wanted to be single and enjoy the "good life" - roaming around with friends, having late-night parties, not giving a thought to tomorrow. Living in the moment and living it up with no regrets seemed to be a good motto to live by for a 26-something bachelor.

And now, today, I cannot wait to get married to this wonderful woman I met just after this I-want-to-stay-single-all-my-life phase. No, let me rephrase that. I met this wonderful woman who made me feel like I wanted to give up the I-want-to-stay-single-all-my-life phase. I wanted to be married. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to have her in my life to hold on to. I wanted someone in my life that I could call my own and my only and mine only. She happened to be everything I wanted - impulsive yet practical, short-tempered yet understanding, childish yet child-like. And extremely beautiful, intelligent, mature and kind. She and I shared a million habits and likes and dislikes, and yet were poles apart in others. I began to understand that being single was no longer my most coveted desire. On the contrary, I wanted to be with this woman so fast that I felt my knees buckle under the sheer pining that I felt for her.

The way I fell in love, and the way in which it was reciprocated, not left unrequited - it was amazing. It still is, the way I always get this huge smile, no, grin on my face when I think about how lucky I am to be marrying You, Nishtha.

- Vinaykrishnan.

You.

My fingers and my hands tremble at writing again,
Though it's not been a fortnight,
But this time, i write not just for myself,
You, as usual, is what i write about...

But this time, You, You...
You beautiful, wonderful, You...
Why am i so restless when i write this,
Maybe because i never wrote for You.

Maybe that every time i told You that i write for You
i just did it for myself,
But this time somewhere inside a monster growls at me,
Scares me.

He tells me to write not for me, but for You.
Why is this heart restless,
Why does it keep playing tunes that actually sound like Dolby Digital in my head?
You tell me, please.

Why do i love You?
Everyone asks me.
You do too.
And i usually just smile and say,
That there are reasons more than the stars out there,
And more reasons than the raindrops that are scattered on the windshields of cars when it rains.

But somewhere, somehow,
These reasons
Cease to exist.

All that remains is You.
The presence, the smell, the thought, the feeling
Of You.

i should have not survived
If He did not have a grand plan.
i have searched ages and ages and places and people and have gone distances farther than imagination.
But i never found the plan.

But now i know the plan.
The Reason.

You.

- Vinaykrishnan.