The Ache - I

I have been feeling this ache inside. For quite some time now.


Not physical, no. But not just mental. Not emotional either. I feel as if physical, mental or emotional pain is all just on the surface of some imaginary platform. Like Pratchett's Great A'tuin, this platform, this base is where it's aching. It's throbbing, always has, but now with every throb comes great pain. Almost suffering as well.


It's as if this foundation, that is the very core of my existence is pulsating with pain at something. It's crying out. Loudly. I never heard it this loud ever. But now I can hear it. In the day, when I'm working, at night when I'm at home with my wife or watching television, or reading a newspaper - I can constantly hear it humming at me. Like a drone, it hums on and on and now I am forced to answer this call. I'm afraid to pick it up. Afraid of what is on the other end of the line. 


Is this my soul? Or is the universe aching at my doing something? Or not doing something? Have I sinned? Have I done something so amazing that I should be rewarded for it? (Now, crime is punishable. But merit is only rewarded by a word called "duty". Nothing else. This has always struck me as rather unfair).


It's not a reward. I think. That has to be a sunny, happy feeling, doesn't it? So I'm ruling out the possibility of it being a good thing. I don't think it's also because it's not a punishing kind of feeling after all. It's more of a nagging feeling. So the only alternative that remains is that it is a bad omen. Of things to come, of things to happen? I don't know. I wish I did, but then again, I am glad I don't. Grand scheme of things, ignorance is bliss, and all that jazz. 


I do not know how to name it. I cannot put a finger on it. It's not something that I can make you understand. It's not tangible. It's not explicable. 


Yet is the most basic, most primal of all my feelings, it seems. It seems as though I was not just born with this, but that this is the feeling that created me. As if the universe itself has created me to be its voice. To be its expression. That I am indebted to it to ensure that I act as the medium of its travel. That everything that it wants, I am the one to throw at the rest of the universe, and that every minute particle that every particle of the rest of the gigantic universe throws at me is meant for only me and not one other to be a receptacle.


Maybe I am meant to do something huge. Something that would go down in the annals of not just Earth's history, but the Universe's. (Suddenly I regard the Universe with new found respect, the hypocrite in me). Not sure if that is what this means. But that's what I think. 


May be I should just ramble on and on till I find out. 


- Vinaykrishnan.