At Random Does My Mind.

At random does my mind jump, from one thought to another,
Vivid in their clarity, distinct in their individuality,
Separated by a common theme, yet unified in their differences,
Like patches of kelp in a sea, or like drops of water on windshields,
Scattered, yet at large in the grand scheme, playing,
Roaming, loitering, exploring, enduring, exhaustive, redemptive,
Like links, that form a chain, singularly negligible,
Yet with strength to capture and bind the senses.
At random does my mind wander, from darkness to light,
Never defeated, like a candle that is not dead,
Even though being overpowered by all the darkness around,
Yet losing to, and against, itself, will stronger not than vice,
Like symbiosis turning evil, without dread or device,
No more the strength in the host that lies can bide away
Yet stronger to survive, though parasitic its guest,
Eaten away in its own large-heartedness.
At random does my mind float, from starvation to suffice,
Throngs of thoughts whirling about like the wind,
Yet stable and yet cruel, though simpler may it seem,
That the mind can rest at the soul's rise.

- Vinaykrishnan.
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Musings of Restraint

So there's this girl I am in love with. In the sense that, not in real "love" as the wise old men put it, but as in something above the usual. Earlier, I just used to think that she is a brat, a spoilt one, at that. I used to think she's a small kid, all stupid and immature. But now I realise, this is not the case. She is mature where required, and childlike in other things. I still think of her as a kid, and I call her that to her face, and she probably enjoys it a lot too. But there is something I have learnt from this girl. It's to always be happy. Not a moment passes by when she regrets anything she has done, and as she so wisely puts it (which amazes me, as she can be wise beyond her years sometimes) "Atleast when I look back to my life, I have the knowledge that it is only my decisions whose outcomes I now face."

 But I never think I can tell her that I am falling... no, not falling, but rising in love with her. Every time I finish a conversation with her, I feel as if I have grown; as an individual, as a person, as a man. But I can never express what is in my heart for her. It would only be too weird, and I do not wish to end a relationship with her, even be it only of friendship, that my heart worships. I wish I could be the ink of love on the pages of her life, but I'm only too happy to settle to be the margins of the pages. Someone once said that "Only if you cast yourself in the seas would you be able to cross them." He must never have had the chance to fall in love with a person whom he did not want to lose as a friend. I'd rather just go on being a friend to her, than telling her that I love her, and then lose her to her denial. I know, most people would say that this is normal, and a lot of people on earth never express their feelings because of fear of rejection. And I agree with them; the thought of losing her is the sword that hangs heavier over my head, than the joy that I would gain on knowing that she too would reciprocate the feelings that I have for her. Life would once again stop dead in its tracks if she ever feels that I have betrayed her friendship, or what I feel, is her respect for me.

And while I may fancy and fantasize that all that she speaks to me about, and all that we laugh about, is from her heart, and that she values my company, I may be wrong. I mean, I barely know her. We've never talked before on friendly terms and we were almost non-existant for each other. Only recently have we become accquainted in a more casual manner. She may very well be only humouring me by being friendly and nice and so good to talk to. Probably the only reason she does so is because I'm good friends with her good friends and maybe she was told by them to not fight with me or not avoid me. Not that I am a bad person really. Just that sometimes, I do rub people the wrong way with what I do, or sometimes, what I do not. Or maybe, she's like that not just with me, but with everyone else. Warm, caring, friendly, funny, jovial and always happy. But I'm just too dumb to not fall for her. 
 
But that's that, and life does go on, and in some way, I guess, it's best that I do not tell her. Maybe all things in life are not meant to be had, and to wish for something that is not, may lead to a spill, that I'd fare better by avoidance than indulgence.
 
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Joy.

And now I fly on the horizons where the sky touches the sea,

And the twilight touches me in a way, akin to how

The soft moonbeams fall on my cheeks and lighten my soul and senses,

My heavy brow now feels light, and I soar to heights hitherto unachieved.

If only to be glad is so easily achievable, I wondered till yet,

But sought only the higher, intangible joys.

Little did I realize the little joys that one finds

In the littlest corners of the littlest places are the ones that yet allow for flight,

To places where not only the heart rejoices,

But to elation even the mind surrenders.

 

• Vinaykrishnan

Bonded in Ink.

I got inked yesterday. A barbed wire in black outline, with alternating spikes of 2 or 3, encircling my right wrist.

I heard a lot of shit from a lot of people today. Why did you do it, it's useless, its ugly, waste of money, et al. I was depressed really. Not that I wanted my tattoo to create a furore, but I mean, for crying out loud! Give me some good statement about this, people! But no, it went on and on.

Then I remembered why I actually did it. 2 major reasons. a. I always wanted this tattoo, representing my imprisonment. I'm always bonded. b. One of my best friends and I decided to do it on the spur of the moment. Absolutely unplanned, totally spontaneous. And we enjoyed it. We had the time of our lives yesterday, and we just moved one step further from being friends, to brothers-in-blood.

Most of you may think, yeah, whatever. But here's the thing, this is something I have enjoyed thoroughly, it was an experience of a lifetime, and I enjoyed it with probably the one person I could have ever opted for.

Cheers mate!

An ode to Anita (almost)

i remember my sister singing "dil hai chhota sa., chhoti si aasha.."... and for all the crap that i was at that time, i remember telling my pals, "ahh... she's okay... not so good.."....

today i heard the song on the radio... and i heard my sister singing to me... and i could actually see her, and she was singing into the microphone and looking at me while singing. i heard no cacophony.

i bet today, that if there is anyone on earth who can sing that better than Anita, i'll do anything.... anything at all... (that includes stripping and running on the streets of chandigarh!!!)

chechi, i love you, you are amazing!!! (not just at singing, but at a gazillion other things as well) :)