All This Loneliness

(Yeh Viraaniyaan - Namaste London)

Those days, when You were with me,
Life was wide awake,
All the seasons were my best friends,
The paths were invitations
Written by destinations for us on the ground...
The trees opened their boughs
To drape us in the shawls of shade...
In the evenings, all the stars
Used to smile watching us...
The winds, singing the songs of fragrance,
Used to tease us and pass away,
The sky was a lake of the moonlight,
In which every night a flower of the moon used to bloom
And in the lake of the moonlight
It used to touch the banks of the rivers of our hearts...
Those days, when You were with me,

My love, when it got thirsty,
Then my sadness got even deeper...
My Life, without You
Has all this Loneliness...
All this Loneliness...

All the roads are empty,
All the destinations are pointless, Love,
My eyes are still desperately searching,
My heart is still bare...
Love...
Only Loneliness only surrounds me,
In my heart lies only silence,
My Life, without You
Has all this Loneliness...
All this Loneliness...

Whenever I breathe,
My breath pinches in my chest, Love,
Even now, there is a a ray of hope that pinches in my heart, Love,
Love...
All my dreams are about to be shattered,
Even the straws that I clutch at are a stretch...
My Life, without You
Has all this Loneliness...
All this Loneliness...

- Vinaykrishnan.

Asked, Not Received

Am I really all of this?
Two ounces of respect, and
Three of love,
I didn't ask for much.

Yet I received none.
All in vain,
It seems.

I did not ask for royalty.
I did not ask for
People to carry me on their shoulders
And parade me through the town.

I did not ask for a palace,
Lord,
Only for a small hut
To stay in. Hide away.

But You insisted on making me a mansion of glass.
And glass is strewn all on the floors.
And now even the slightest footfall
Causes me to shout out in angst.

In pain.

True was my faith,
I held hard to the rocks.
Yet the sea still threatens to swallow me up like a whale swallows a school of fish.

Intangible.
Inconsequential.
Like in autumn
A dry leaf in the wind.

Fluttering away to meet the earth.
It's genesis.

My creator.

- Vinaykrishnan.

My Fatal Flaws

I have realized that I have two fatal flaws. Both take me to completely different levels of thinking. And I like it this way. Maybe they are not flaws at all. Maybe they define me. Maybe they make me the person I am.

Anger. Rage comes to me in a frenzy. But I let go. I almost always let go. I have learnt to control my rage in a manner that I can deal with. Because my anger only causes hurt to others. And I am bigger than that.

Disappointment. When I am disappointed, however, unlike my anger, I can never let go. Ever. If someone disappoints me I will never let them rise in my graces again. Then they become non-existent for me. I am apathetic towards them. I will tolerate them, even be nice to them, but I'll never be their friend ever again. I know only one person who has disappointed me, and rose back in my graces. And half of us are not fit to even lick her boots.

My fatal flaws. My Kryptonite.

- Vinaykrishnan.

Flight of Icarus

There's a man standing there on the hill. His figure casts a silhouette in the backdrop of the rising sun, and he looks like an angel. Yes. An angel. Not by his countenance or his aura or anything so spiritual or supernatural. But because he has wings. Yes. Wings. When I see them spread as he spreads his hands out, I realize he's about to take off. And he takes that step over the ledge. For a moment, I run towards the edge, weighed down by my own wings, but then, suddenly he swoops up in the air like an eagle, wings flapping to assist his rise, the updraft helpiing him along and soar towards the open skies. He's a free man now.

Now it's my turn to walk my father's steps. Or should I say, FLY my father's path. I stand at the edge. Looking down is scary. It's pretty deep a drop from here. I don't think falling would be as musical as they say. Or even lyrical. Nopes. It would be plain horrid. I'm afraid. I do not want to take the leap. My father is a genius, and I see his genius at work even now when his wax wings have done the trick. But I'm still scared. I don't jump. I won't jump. I'll find another way out of this mess.

"Guards, there he is! Capture him!"

I turn back to see guards rushing at me, the red crests of their helmets fluttering in the wind. Their swords are unsheathed, glinting in the sun.

I turn back, and jump. Father had told me to flap gently and I did. I was scared. But the very first flap of my wings took me higher. Three more flaps and I was gliding away towards the sun. Towards the skies. Towards my father. Towards freedom!

It takes time to adjust and learn how to fly. But I'm a natural. I took to flying so easily, I started proudly smiling at my own abilities. Father is a genius, and his son is not a dolt either. I catch up with Father, who still warns me not to fly too low, or too high. I smile at him, nodding, and shout out that I'm not stupid. He smiles back.

But ahh, the thrill of flying. I swoop, soar, rise and glide. My heart calls out loudly to all the Gods and all the men, who never thought man could fly. We beat them all. I see the sun. It is majestic. Helios should be saluted. I fly higher to offer Helios my salutations. I don't see him yet, and so I fly higher. I feel hot. But I still fly higher to see Helios. The sun is glaring down at me as if to challenge how a mere mortal can come so close to him. I laugh it's glare down. I fly even higher.

It's getting harder to fly now though. I have to flap harder, faster. And that's when I notice that the wax holding my osier and willow wings together are melting. The twigs are giving way, creating holes in my wings. I lose control. I am now losing height.

I spiral away towards the sea rapidly. I can't do a thing to help myself. Somewhere in my mind, I can hear myself shouting. It's all surreal. Like a dream. I see my father trying to help me by holding me, but I'm too heavy for one set of wings to support. I fall.

I crash into the ocean. I don't know how to swim. I'm drowning. They say drowning is the most painful way to die. I think so too now. The last vestiges of air in my lungs give way. I feel my lungs being filled by water. I wonder if they would ever honour me. Maybe name the sea, and maybe even a small island after me.

I'm blacking out now. I see stars in the sea. Yes, stars in the water.

And my mind now only has two thoughts in it.

I love my father.

I could not salute the sun.

- Vinaykrishnan.

Don't leave now... (Ab na Jaa - Euphoria)

When I close my eyes,
I see only You,
Only in my dreams
I can call You mine,
Please leave it be,
My faith in my illusions,
Don't leave now...
It's a night of love,
Don't leave now...
It's just a small matter,
Don't leave now...

My sleep is only by you,
So what if I don't get sleep?
My conversations are only by you,
So what if I don't get to talk?
Let the stars tell their stories untold,
Don't leave now...
It's a night of love,
Don't leave now...
It's just a small matter,
Don't leave now...
It's a meeting of only a few moments,
Don't leave now...
The night is like magic,
Don't leave now...

On my forehead are drops of love,
Scattered are many questions,
My eyes have many seasons in them,
In a moment how many years passed!
Let life take me wherever it flows to
Don't leave now...
It's a night of love,
Don't leave now...
It's just a small matter,
Don't leave now...
It's a meeting of only a few moments,
Don't leave now...
The night is like magic,
Don't leave now...

Don't leave now...
Don't leave now...
Don't leave now...
Don't leave now...

- Vinaykrishnan.