Musings of Restraint

So there's this girl I am in love with. In the sense that, not in real "love" as the wise old men put it, but as in something above the usual. Earlier, I just used to think that she is a brat, a spoilt one, at that. I used to think she's a small kid, all stupid and immature. But now I realise, this is not the case. She is mature where required, and childlike in other things. I still think of her as a kid, and I call her that to her face, and she probably enjoys it a lot too. But there is something I have learnt from this girl. It's to always be happy. Not a moment passes by when she regrets anything she has done, and as she so wisely puts it (which amazes me, as she can be wise beyond her years sometimes) "Atleast when I look back to my life, I have the knowledge that it is only my decisions whose outcomes I now face."

 But I never think I can tell her that I am falling... no, not falling, but rising in love with her. Every time I finish a conversation with her, I feel as if I have grown; as an individual, as a person, as a man. But I can never express what is in my heart for her. It would only be too weird, and I do not wish to end a relationship with her, even be it only of friendship, that my heart worships. I wish I could be the ink of love on the pages of her life, but I'm only too happy to settle to be the margins of the pages. Someone once said that "Only if you cast yourself in the seas would you be able to cross them." He must never have had the chance to fall in love with a person whom he did not want to lose as a friend. I'd rather just go on being a friend to her, than telling her that I love her, and then lose her to her denial. I know, most people would say that this is normal, and a lot of people on earth never express their feelings because of fear of rejection. And I agree with them; the thought of losing her is the sword that hangs heavier over my head, than the joy that I would gain on knowing that she too would reciprocate the feelings that I have for her. Life would once again stop dead in its tracks if she ever feels that I have betrayed her friendship, or what I feel, is her respect for me.

And while I may fancy and fantasize that all that she speaks to me about, and all that we laugh about, is from her heart, and that she values my company, I may be wrong. I mean, I barely know her. We've never talked before on friendly terms and we were almost non-existant for each other. Only recently have we become accquainted in a more casual manner. She may very well be only humouring me by being friendly and nice and so good to talk to. Probably the only reason she does so is because I'm good friends with her good friends and maybe she was told by them to not fight with me or not avoid me. Not that I am a bad person really. Just that sometimes, I do rub people the wrong way with what I do, or sometimes, what I do not. Or maybe, she's like that not just with me, but with everyone else. Warm, caring, friendly, funny, jovial and always happy. But I'm just too dumb to not fall for her. 
 
But that's that, and life does go on, and in some way, I guess, it's best that I do not tell her. Maybe all things in life are not meant to be had, and to wish for something that is not, may lead to a spill, that I'd fare better by avoidance than indulgence.
 
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